The only way to avoid conflict is to move to the highest cave in the Himalayas and start repeating your mantra. Even then you will have to deal with the moistness of the cave, the cold and the possibility of a Yeti visit.

Conflict is simply unavoidable. It doesn’t matter how personable, brilliant, funny, strong, intimidating, kind or enlightened you are. The only “choice” we all get to exercise in the arena of conflict is whether we fight it, ignore it, run away from it or deal with it.

I know that my ability to ignore or avoid conflict is about as highly developed as it’s going to get. I’ll wager you’re pretty good at it as well. So, if you’re game, let’s explore our third option: turning into the conflict, facing it head-on and developing the skills needed to resolve it now.

Let me clarify one more detail before we begin. Some of us learned from our parents or older siblings to vanquish conflict with force. Perhaps you remember being told to “just shut up and do it” or “you’ll do it because I said so” or the old favorite, “do it or ELSE!”

These same techniques can take many forms and are widely practiced around the world. You can tune in your favorite news channel to see them in action every day. These methodologies only give the illusion of conflict resolution as they isolate the conflict behind a layer of fear, frustration and resentment. It’s more accurate to say that the use of power “feeds” conflict rather than resolves it.

The Nature of Conflict

Conflict is messy. Its very appearance is an interruption or obstacle to the outcome we’re seeking. It arises at any time, often when we least expect it. Conflict is emotional. In our otherwise rational, logical approach to getting things done, it’s an aberration that on the surface can appear to be groundless or crazy. It’s no wonder that our first response is often fight or flight. Unfortunately, neither of these gut reactions will mitigate the conflict.

Unlike fine wine, conflict only sours with age. The sooner you act to resolve the conflict, the less likely that the apparent positions will become entrenched and justified. You don’t just stick a cork in an erupting volcano and hope it will stop or be easier to resolve later. If you cannot make the time now to address the issue, set an appointment to do so in the near future and KEEP IT!

You are always up to the task of resolving customer conflicts. No matter how daunting the issue may appear, your best strategy will always be to employ your conflict resolution skills immediately. Avoid the urge to wait and hope it will go away. Even if an issue seems to disappear on its own, it’s my experience that you’re only setting yourself up for more of the same in the future.

When I say “more,” I mean more time, more effort, more money and more pain! As I mentioned in an earlier article on Customer Service, customer conflicts are like little sparks that feed on denial, delay and avoidance until they are raging infernos.

The Root Causes of Conflict

When conflict arises, it’s easy to ascribe all kinds of different motivations to it. Most of these easy answers are completely bogus. If acted upon, they will turn any win-win possibility into either a lose-lose or, at best, win-lose proposition. The key to unlocking win-win solutions is to see beyond your customer’s confrontational (and often loud) words and actions to acknowledge the factors that cause all of us to occasionally get derailed.

1. Unmet Expectations

Somewhere in my sales/management career I learned that managing expectations had more to do with customer satisfaction than rebates, discounts and celebrity spokespeople. It’s simple. When our life experience exceeds our expectations, we’re happy. When the opposite is true, we’re not. You or your associates may be responsible for setting up the problem, or your customer may do it without any of your help.

As we’ll see later, it doesn’t really matter who’s to blame when it comes to resolving conflict. If you want happy customers or productive employees or friendly neighbors or supportive family members, it’s up to you to deal with the expectation gap.

2. Perceived Threat

I know this seems kind of obvious. Who wouldn’t be upset if they felt under attack? It’s not just ourselves that we try to protect – it’s also our families, our businesses, our reputations, etc. Until it’s resolved, even imagined threats carry the same weight as the “real ones.” That means that everything from your policies and products to your tone of voice or personality can set someone else off! It’s good business to go the extra mile in making your customer feel safe and secure.

3. Unexpressed Thoughts or Feelings

If you’re tempted to discount the frequency and power of discord caused by unexpressed thoughts and feelings, don’t! We’re all guilty of stashing away little affronts that we assume are petty, childish or inappropriate. Right now I’ll wager you’re aware of one or more of these little “mosquitoes” buzzing around (inside) your head. No matter how you rationalize or try to get over it, it just keeps coming back – bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! You won’t be able to avoid that person or situation forever, so you might as well learn to deal with the situation effectively.

Winning and Losing

If you were to ask a group of five-year-olds, Which is better: winning or losing? how do you think they would respond? How would you respond? Yet, ironically, conflict resolution has absolutely nothing to do with winning and losing. So is there another alternative?

The word “conflict” is often used interchangeably with the word “competition.” We have “armed conflicts,” “gridiron conflicts” and “legal conflicts” that are all forms of competition with clear-cut winners and losers.

Conversely, “marital conflicts,” “emotional conflicts” and “customer conflicts” are not competitions and cannot be resolved with competitive strategies. Real conflict resolution in these and similar cases results in neither winners nor losers. When this kind of conflict gets resolved, that which remains is simply “no conflict.”

A Compassionate Approach

The whole process of resolution begins with you. As a child, I recall being read the story of a mouse that removed a painful thorn from a lion’s paw, thereby establishing a lifelong friendship. It’s a story about compassion and transcending fear and personal bias to relieve the suffering of others.

Compassion is not a thing or an outcome or an activity. It’s a state of acceptance or allowance for the legitimacy of suffering in the world and the willingness to relieve that suffering when the opportunity presents itself.

Compassion arises from understanding. We can build up our compassion and respect for our upset customers by tuning into their positive intentions that are often hidden beneath their aggressive words and actions. Here are some of the positive intentions we all share:

• To feel respected
• To feel appreciated
• To protect the group (i.e., family, business, community)
• To feel safe
• To feel loved

Behind their anger and discontent, our upset customers always have one or more of these positive intentions that they are trying (awkwardly) to achieve. While not excusing rude behavior, our knowledge of these universal and innocent goals helps us to forgive our customers and respond to their being upset with respect and compassion.

The Three Steps to Conflict Resolution

If you’re up for turning some of those enemies into allies, here are the steps we advise:

1. Relieve the Pressure!     

It’s kind of tricky to remove the thorn while your lion is in attack mode. We don’t recommend you try. Reassure your customer that your sole intention is to take care of their concerns. You want to speak with them one-on-one (away from others who may only make things worse). Take them to your office or other private space and ask them to relate the issue and specifically how they see it being resolved.

Now comes the hard part: LISTEN! By “listening” I mean without interruption - using only your ears. This is extremely difficult for most of us because our first, second and third impulse is to correct their misunderstandings and defend ourselves and our staff before they have completed a sentence.

Most of us, when we’re upset or frustrated, will often exaggerate, embellish, make wild accusations and generally paint ourselves as innocent victims. Sound familiar? Why should your customer be any different?

Remember the three “causes of conflict” outlined above? Your customer’s simple act of giving voice to their unmet expectations, perceived threats and/or unexpressed thoughts and feelings provides the cushion they need to adopt a calmer, more receptive state of mind. Up until this moment no resolution was possible.

2. Defuse the Bomb!  

Step two is to remove most of the “charge” associated with your customer’s being upset. It’s helpful to know how we generate and sustain conflict. This little energy source is commonly known as “BLAME.” Conflicts have survived generations and millennia, stoked only by this amazing power generator. What’s even more amazing is that you can unplug blame in less than one minute.

Simply let your customer know that you, personally, accept full responsibility for the circumstances that led to the problem. It doesn’t matter if the issue derived from your product, service, pricing policies, sales policies, weather conditions, buyer’s remorse or anything else. You may be the owner, the office manager, the salesperson, the installer or the warehouse manager for that matter. You just have to be willing to step up.

The key is that you don’t deflect blame, but rather you absorb it. This is not the same as agreeing that everything your customer says is correct. If I tell you that the sun will shine tomorrow, and it doesn’t, you may get upset when you have to cancel your golf outing. Perhaps you had to send your new plaid golf pants to the cleaners to remove the mud you had to slog through.

You call to let me know that I’m a terrible weather forecaster and I owe you a round of golf for the one that was compromised (not to mention the cleaning bill for your special pants). I immediately apologize for my incorrect forecast and take full responsibility for the inconvenience that my error obviously caused. I AM NOT agreeing that I somehow forced you to decide to play golf or that your “special pants” are my problem.

In this step we are not trying to reach an acceptable resolution to the problem. We are simply removing the energy of blame that fuels the situation. This stifles the escalation of conflict in the same way removing oxygen extinguishes a fire. Here are some examples of how to phrase your acceptance of responsibility:

“On behalf of (company name) I apologize for the difficulties you’ve experienced. That (product, service, incident) is my responsibility and I promise to work with you to find an acceptable resolution.

“Thanks for giving me this opportunity to resolve the issue. I’m sorry for the upset we’ve caused - that was never our intention.

“I can see how you would be upset. That’s on me. I apologize and I’ll work with you to see that it doesn’t happen again.”

If you find yourself deflecting responsibility in any way you’ll discover that your customer never returns to a balanced state of mind. It isn’t sufficient to apologize and then blame your employees, boss, supplier, etc., for causing the problem. Likewise, you’ll find it only frustrating to try to act compassionate while you attempt to point out to your customer their being upset is really their own fault or the result of their misconception or misinterpretation. Anyone who has been married for more than a week knows that these strategies only lead to prolonged silences and separate sleeping quarters.

3. Forward to Conflict Resolution!

Now you’re ready to adopt a mutually satisfying, win-win solution. If you have been diligent in accomplishing the desired outcomes in steps one and two, this is going to be easier than you would have imagined. Your customer, who began as your adversary, is being transformed into your ally in making your business work better while growing your family of satisfied people.

Begin by briefly restating your customer’s experience, including any recipe for resolution they may have offered. Ask them if you have it about right. Be careful not to judge or evaluate the legitimacy of any of their contentions. As we stated earlier, conflict resolution is not about who’s right and who’s wrong.

If they don’t really offer their own remedy, or if the one they offer is unacceptable, suggest the steps you are willing to take on their behalf. Provide the timetable you will abide by in implementing those steps. Finally, confirm with your customer that your proposal is acceptable. All that’s left is to do what you say you will do.

It’s important to note that the only criterion for a successful plan of resolution is that it be acceptable to both parties. In my experience, over 90 percent of conflicts can be successfully resolved. As with any skill worth having, conflict resolution skills improve with practice.

What Do Customers Really Want?

Conflict resolution comes in many packages. Don’t get trapped into limiting the resources at your disposal to only the physical. Sure, sometimes financial consideration or a new product or part is in order. Many times, however, customer confidence can be restored in other ways. Here are some very common customer concerns:

“I just wanted someone to listen.”

This customer just wants to be heard and acknowledged. Being rebuffed or told they are the cause of the problem infuriates them. Use the techniques offered above and don’t be surprised if your customer’s issue is resolved simply by your listening and your compassion.

“I didn’t like the way I was treated.”

The answer here is obvious. It doesn’t matter if you thought they were treated right the first time. Just treat them better! Assure them you’ll fix it so it doesn’t happen in the future. Don’t throw money at them.

“I didn’t understand something about the product I bought or why you did things the way you did them.”

This requires a meaningful explanation on your part. Perhaps a home visit to review how to operate the product is needed. I’ve calmed a few irate customers by dropping by and plugging in their fans for them.

“I want things to return to the way they were (before the problem).”

Sounds reasonable to me. But it’s hard to find this out if you get caught up in defending yourself and arguing with the customer. Adjusting to change can be stressful for any of us. Here, a little patience and compassion go a long way.

“I’ve changed my mind and no longer want the product or service.”

This is a tough one to swallow. Remember that an equitable exchange or return can be made and you are not required to shoulder the entire expense. It’s best to have a return or exchange policy already formulated and communicated to everyone before it happens. If you have to tweak it, you always can if you want to.

Please notice that I have carefully avoided the proposition that, “The customer is always right.” I also have made no mention of any responsibility on your part to “make your customer happy.” This is because the first one is false and the second one is impossible.

I previously stated that who’s right or wrong is inconsequential to successful conflict resolution. I will further state that your customer’s happiness or lack there of is completely their responsibility.

Your job is to resolve the conflict and come up with a responsible plan of action. When conflict is resolved we are left with a situation called, “no conflict.” We are not necessarily left with a situation called “happiness.”

Teach Others in Your Organization

Most likely you will not have to practice your conflict resolution skills on a daily or even weekly basis. It will benefit everyone in your organization to get some role-playing practice in before starring in the big game. Teach the three-step approach to your fellow workers. Let them practice on each other. It can be a lot of fun in addition to being educational.

Here are five helpful reminders that everyone can keep handy for regular review. They are called The Five Commitments.

The Five Commitments

• Treat each customer with kindness and respect (especially when it’s difficult to do).
• Make yourself available to customers with problems.
• Seek to resolve the conflict rather than assess blame.
• Resolve conflict on the spot whenever possible.
• Follow up with dissatisfied customers to ensure that the resolution was satisfactory.

You’ve probably noticed by now that these very same skills can be employed in the rest of life’s arenas outside the workplace. You’ll never run out of opportunities to keep clearing your path to success.

 Bill Lentz has contributed several articles to Hearth & Home designed to help you get better results in business. He is the president of Pugh & Associates and owner of GreenFan. He lives with his wife, two dogs and a parrot in Snohomish, Washington.